Toby Andrew 2017

The One Thing You Cannot Escape

I awake. First to greet me, the suffocating feeling of loneliness. It knows. It knows how I feel, but it does not care. It acts like the merciless killer it is. Tearing me apart, shredding my heart, telling me everything I do is wrong. I try not to listen. It gets louder and louder, eating away my common sense preventing me from doing what must be done. So I leave it. I ignore the voice, hoping that will help, but it is still there. When I am around people, I put on a mask - hiding how I feel in the hope it will also hide me from myself. Everyday life becomes a struggle, having to hide - hide myself, hide my stress and hide the voice. I repeat the same mantra everyday saying eventually it will leave and my life will be peaceful but it gets stronger, louder and angrier. I can’t run. Help… it is pulling me in. I cannot hold on. It has reached me, it is controlling me, pushing me to do things unspeakable. It tells me everything will be fine, I just have to listen. It is stronger than ever before. I cannot ask for help, I cannot stop the voice. However, I will keep going. I do not have a reason, I just will. Slowly it dies, yelling desperately “Do you think you are good enough? You are lucky I am here to help, if you just listen.” It is gone… and to think it started so fast and left so quickly, but I know why it left. I realized it was not what was going on around me, but how I chose to respond to it. And I am at peace.