Steve Burgess 2016

Breaking News 2

Earlier this month a fish was spotted floating above Main Street. This morning, Tom Rogerson, a recently retired paperboy out walking his dog, spotted some oddly shaped green beings walking out of the fish in a possibly aggressive manner. The fish is now confirmed to be a John Dory, not a cod, a very similar fish, both riverbed-dwelling fish. However, the John Dory has a slightly larger fin over its head.

There have been many spoken reports from concerned citizens that the aliens were ‘invading’ and we were ‘all going to die’, but fortunately, General Simpson has brought in diplomatic personal, looking at speaking with the aliens.

It has now been confirmed that young boy Timmy’s screaming tantrum, after losing his balloon last month, did not cause broken windows but that there were small animals running away from the noise that ran through the windows. There were only a few casualties.

We have interviewed Tom Rogerson after his encounter.

“I was walking down the street with my dog, as any other morning and I heard the Fish taking its usual breaths and I thought it seemed oddly different,” he said. “I walked over to Main Street and saw oddly shaped green figures walking down steps made of light in what seemed to be an aggressive manner.”

“I was thinking to myself that this might be the normal method of introduction for these alien people so I left them to be handled by General Simpson.”

As it turns out the green beings were actually looking for the television show ‘Friends’ accidentally aired to them via a long-range satellite, which was discontinued in the 90s. They have now come looking for the ending of the show as they were only aired the first 6 and a half seasons. General Simpson has organised a meeting for the aliens with the cast and a full box set of all 10 seasons. However, we are still unsure what the aliens will be viewing these DVDs on.

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In other news, George Rogerson, Tom Rogerson’s younger brother, has claimed­­­­­ to have spotted a man trying to shoot at the aliens with a fully-automatic .308 rifle. However this has been dismissed as an attempt for him to be in a spotlight like his older brother. There was no shooting.

 

I Remember a Time When we had Almost Nothing

“I remember a time when we had almost nothing,

If we wanted warmth in winter, we’d have to go out cutting.

Our water was from the river, way out in town,

So we’d always have to ride our bikes all the way down.

If our teachers didn’t spank us, our parents probably did,

Especially when we took off the saucepan lid.

We’d work long and hard days and saved every penny that we got,

And raised up many, many bulls, just to kill the lot.

Hot water was a luxury, that we’d never afford,

That was for the rich and never for the poor.

But we still loved it there,

When we rode our bikes, and felt the wind through our hair,

Or when we took out our air rifles, and shot a little hare,

Through all the tough times you’d think we just couldn’t bear,

But we lived through it, and always loved it, loved it right there.”