Sorcha Murphy 2013

Untitled

Tuesday April 30th 5pm.

 

I wish I was like everyone else, but I can’t, I can’t change and it’s hard.

Every day, it’s the same, I wake up, I go to school, I come home, and I go to bed and repeat it the next day. I guess you’re thinking, doesn’t everyone else, you’re not special. But it is different. After school all the other boys go and play football, go to each other’s houses or into town with their friends. I can play football to; I can play football really well. They don’t know that though. Sometimes I go into town, but not with friends, I don’t have friends, not even someone that I make awkward, half-hearted conversation with. I don’t even have that type of friend.

 I’m quite smart, but not enough to be a nerd, and not dumb enough to be a stupid, and I’m really good at sport, so I should have friends, those types of people are meant to have friends aren’t they? But not me and I’ll tell you why. It’s because I’m black.

I’m black, the only black kid in my year. There are black guys in the years above me, but I’m in year 7, no one is ever going to hang out with the black year 7.

The only reason I’m still in school is because of my dad. He wants me to grow up educated and get a good job while being “a proud black man” he said. I wish dad was still here. He got lynched 2 years ago, for something he didn’t even do; no one at school believes that though. That’s also why people don’t hang around me they think I’ll hurt them. I won’t though. It’s not really their fault they hate me, it’s more their parents, and their parents before that, it’s not their fault that they were brought up to believe that all black people are sinners and we hurt people and we deserve to be punished. But then again maybe it is their fault for believing them, for not finding out if they were actually very wrong. White people can hurt you to, they hurt me, and they hurt my father.

 

Thursday 2 May 6pm.

 

Someone slapped me today. I was walking down the school hallway, when this girl smiled at me, I smiled back. Her boyfriend slapped me. It wasn’t a good hit though, it didn’t hurt.  “You’re gonna end up like ya father, you keep it up” he yelled at me, the girl laughed, a teacher saw, but she said nothing. Sometimes I want to scream at them, I want to tell them that my father did nothing, “how would you like it?” I would say. “How you like it if you got accused of doing something you didn’t do, but you got in trouble anyway because of how you looked. How would like it if you got bullied every day? What if I told you white people are sinners to, murder is a sin, my father was murdered.” But even I tried to say that, no one would listen, because no one cares.

 

Sunday 5th May. 2:30pm

 

There’s something else I should tell you. I cut. Not a lot, but I cut. I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I try not to. I keep trying to tell myself to be strong and that things will get better eventually and that if people hurt me, that doesn’t mean I should hurt myself, I mean it’s not really my fault. But I just end up getting overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I used to be angry at them, but over time I got angry at myself.

 

Monday 6th May. 11:15am

 

As I have no father, you may or may not be wondering who I live with, as my father is dead. I live with my mother as well, who stays at home all day. I love my mum I guess, but we don’t really speak, no one in this house speaks any more, we don’t need to. We just sit here suffering in silent pain.

I also have a little sister and an older brother, but he moved to Chicago at the start of last year. We visited him once, I loved it. Most people were more happy, more accepting and less judgmental. I want to live in Chicago one day after I finish school. If I finish school.

 

Friday 10th May 4am

 

I think about death a lot. I know everyone will die someday, but I just want to die sooner. Maybe I should. No one would miss me, no one will care, in fact I bet some of the people will be happy because of it. I’ll be happier; maybe I’ll see my dad again. Mum won’t miss me, she has my sister. I’m sure my brother will be ok.

 

Monday 13th May 3pm

 

So far it’s going alright, I kept my head down, no one spoke to me. I’m tired of keeping my head down all the time, I wish I was accepted. The fact that people hate me so much so that I actually hurt myself and I am ashamed by my appearance.

 

Saturday 18th May 9am

 

Today’s the day, I’m excited, I’m ready.

 

Saturday 18th May 11:30

 

I have my father’s old gun beside me.

I’m going to leave my diary in my room somewhere, maybe someday someone will find it and finally realize that racism is wrong, bullying is wrong and suicide because of these things is wrong.

 

Saturday 18th May 1pm

 

My mum and sister have gone into town. Now’s my chance.

I laugh to myself. Weird. I can’t remember the last time I laughed.

 

Saturday 18th May 1:15pm

 

Goodbye.