I am dying.
I know that I am. I have been dying for years, but now I can feel the end drawing near. I have long come to terms with my premature death-to-be. I am a bit disappointed that my life won’t be as long as those of other people, even though I was the one who caused this long, slow decline. Despite that, I would not have wished that I’d lived the life I had any other way. Lots of people say they wanted to do more, see more, live more, to make up for the time they’ll lose. I don’t feel that need. I am satisfied with the slice I have had from the cake of life. My soul is nothing but content, and I will gladly let it sprout wings and fly beyond the horizon and into the next world, should there be such a realm. If it encounters storms on its journey then it will ride over them with ease, being too pure to be touched by Mother Earth’s wrath. It will soar past the sky, up to the gates of heaven...
But I digress. I don’t even know if souls exist, let alone if there is any type of afterlife or heaven. Once, before I started this deterioration, I dreamt that I knew I was going to die. I lay on a makeshift bed with my family moving around me all day, just waiting to die. I wasn’t unhappy about it for I longed to know what would happen when I did die: if my conscience would begin anew with no memories in a baby, or go to some afterlife, or simply be snuffed out of existence. I went to sleep that night in the dream expecting to not wake up, but wake up I did. I was still alive, though I was sure that I should have died by then.
Now, all these years later, I wonder if it was a premonition of this day – well, obviously not this day, for if my dream is now reality I won’t die until tomorrow at the earliest, but at least a glimpse of this time in my shortened life. I definitely wasn’t writing any note in my dream though; I’m not actually quite sure why I am writing this. I guess I feel the need to tell someone about how dying isn’t a bad thing. I feel freer than ever. I don’t have to worry about worldly concerns anymore. When I am finally released from this prison of society I will gladly shed the manacles which have held me for so long in favour of the reins of eternal sleep.
I suppose what I am trying to tell you, dear reader, is to not mourn for those you will leave behind, and to not be concerned about what may lie ahead. Perhaps you think me a sentimental fool, but please believe me when I tell you that you are special, and incredible, and amazing in ways you have never even thought of. No matter what you have gone through, no matter what hardships you’ve suffered, never forget the good times. Remember when you laughed just because you could and you weren’t even able to stop when you had no air left in your lungs. Remember those summer days spent outside, feeling the friendly warmth of the sun on your face and not letting anything bother you because you were enjoying simply being. That is what’s truly special. Maybe you don’t realise it yet, but you will someday, I guarantee you.
I feel too weak to continue writing for much longer, though I still have much to say. I wish I could end this with some kind of deep, philosophical remark, but I’m afraid complex ideas have always been beyond me. Just… be happy. For me. Please.
This is me, signing off at the end of my shortened but no less remarkable life.
Now, at last, I can be truly at peace.
Sarah Gerardson 2013/14
Confessions Of A Dying Man
When Pigs Fly
Have you ever thought that they might come true
All those things they said to you?
When you look up at the sky
And see the pigs fly
You realise something new.
All that time what you took as real
The lamb, the chicken, the beef and the veal
It was just a lie
To keep you on the pie
While the pigs avoided the meal.
Secretly the pigs plan and plot
To kill us and let our bodies rot.
Then they’ll dominate the world
With their tails all curled
And roll in the mud a lot.
Think of what a waste that would be
The devastation I can almost see.
They could take over now
Hog, boar and great sow
And they will sir, believe you me.
The Hardest Goodbye
I cry because I long not to leave you
I’ve never been in such awful pain
Our parting has torn my heart in two
My efforts to hold back tears are in vain
I remember all those times we had together
Side by side, through the good and the bad
I now have memories to cherish forever
But that doesn’t stop me from feeling so sad
I now go on to parts unknown
To a fate as of yet undecided
Without you next to me I’m just so alone
And in need of the love you provided
I promise to you I will one day return
‘Cause for you, in my heart, I shall always yearn
An aching, burning hole in my chest,
The unrelenting pressure of my heart.
A burden I must bear alone
For I have not the courage to share it.
Am I doomed to this life
Of longing for that which might not be mine?
The restless nights, the endless days -
Are they to be my reality?
The tears I shed only feed the monster that is my misery.
It never retreats.
Eternally gnawing away at the strings of my sanity.
As I search for the strength to carry on,
One question rings clear in my mind:
How can I survive the pain of this