Liam Brown 2014
Dreams, nightmares… Everyone has them. But the ones that keep you up all night, the ones that have you living in fear of going to sleep. They’re the worst.
Sometimes they can make your whole world turn upside down, some can tear your world shreds and some can make you lose all sense of reality and dream… And some can make you lose your mind.
I’ve never had nightmares to the point I’d go insane… but I haven’t been so lucky to escape from the unforgiving hellish pit of fear and despair either. After losing my twin sister I felt like I lost a half of myself, like Part of me died with her never to return. The everlasting nightmares of the day she died mercilessly tear my mind out every night.
We were only eight years old… Too young to go through something like that. Too young to have been the unfortunate ones in the cruel, terrifying space known as reality. Way too young.
“Oi, Lily! Come on, dad wants us up now!” I shook my sister’s shoulder hard trying to wake her up. To no avail.
I ran a hand through my hair while poking her cheek thinking of all the possible ways I could get her out of bed… A thought struck me. ‘Perfect.’
I ran out of her bedroom and bolted down the stairs of our house. “Dad! Where’s the air horn?!” Cruel, yes. But well worth it.
“Why do you need it?” Our father walked into the living room, air horn in hand. He knew what I wanted it for.
“Lily won’t get up…” He smirked slightly. Setting the air horn down, he walked up the stairs towards my sister’s room. Slowly opened the door, he crept inside until he was standing right next to her bed. I stood in the doorway and watched with no clue as to what he had planned for the oblivious girl.
Before I could even see what our dad did, Lily ran out of the room and made a beeline to the bathroom.
That all happened in the time it took me to blink.
“Dad, what did you do?” He put a hand on my head, ruffling up my hair which I hated.
“We’re going to see your mother today.” I huge grin broke out onto my face. “Go on and get ready. We’ll leave after breakfast.”
I never really knew my mother that well… only that she died shortly after Lily and I were born.
“Hurry up dad! You’re being too slow!” My sister and I had raced each other to the top of the hill where our mother was buried. We always did that.
“You’re too fast for your father, you two.” He slowly trudged up the hill until he caught up. “Let’s go see your mother then, shall we?” Lily and I nodded excitedly.
The weather was treating us well that day; the sun was out shining brightly, the trees and plants were green and swaying in the cool morning breeze. Such a nice day for the death of my other half… Ironic.
Our father knelt to put flowers in front of her gravestone. I noticed the tears that fell down dad’s face as he said something too quiet for us to hear. My gaze went to Lily, her eyes said the same thing as mine. We nodded at each other before approaching our father.
“Dad?” He tensed slightly but soon relaxed and turned to face us.
“I was just telling your mother how we were doing. Would you like to talk to her?” We nodded our heads a little too forcefully.
“Hi mum!” Lily and I were in perfect unison, starting and finishing each other’s sentences. We told our mother how we were, what we had done since we last visited and what we were planning to do in the upcoming future. That was a routine we seemed to repeat every time.
Before we knew it, we’d spent nearly an hour at our mother’s grave.
“Come on, let’s go.” We didn’t want to go, not at the time at least. “We’ll stop somewhere on the way home to get a drink. Do you two want milkshakes when we get there?” Our eyes lit up at that. A smile broke out on our faces as we ran to catch up to our father who had already started walking.
Destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it, had decided to screw around with our family even further… By taking my twin sister.
The walk was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. But the weather had taken a turn for the worst. It started raining heavily.
A small scowl made its way onto our father’s face. It was hard to see ahead of ourselves, we could barely make out the cement pathway as it was.
“Dad?” Our father had taken off his jacket and put it around Lily and me to shield us from the rain.
“Keep that around yourselves. I don’t want you both to get sick.” The firmness in his voice kept us quiet.
Hearing cars pass by, I looked toward the road. Fog lights wouldn’t have cut it, headlights were the only thing that could get through the rain.
I hate cars. I hate rain. I hate it all.
The rain wasn’t letting up as it soaked us to the bone mercilessly. Freezing raindrops fell on my face, trailing down my jaw before dripping off at my chin. We were extremely cold and it all got worse when the wind kicked in, turning the rain into icy droplets that pelted down from the sky.
I heard tyres screeching a fair distance away so it didn’t bother me at first. Bu then they louder and closer very quickly.
I could barely hear our father calling our names.
Next thing I knew, I turned around to see bright headlights only a couple of metres in front of me.
Never again. Never. I won’t let it happen. Never again.
When I woke up I found myself in a hospital room. I looked around slowly finding the room empty. As I remembered what had happened earlier, realisation struck me hard.
She was right next to me the entire time, so when I saw the blur of a car coming right at us…
Lily was there with me. She was standing right next to me, she was…
Shock, horror and the overwhelming feeling of emptiness had me hyperventilating with tears building up in my eyes, blurring my vision.
I couldn’t help it. I was no longer in control of what I felt inside of me. The tears fell as I began to cry.
‘Hold on…’ I relaxed slightly. ‘If I survived then surely…’
I saw our father walk into the room... No. He looked up to meet my eyes. They had the smallest amount of happiness in them before it vanished as quickly as it came. What he said next was reason enough.
“L-Lily…” His voice cracked as he tried to say something. But I had a feeling I knew what he meant but I tried to deny it with everything I had. “Lily’s… gone.”
His eyes looked hollow as tears flowed out of them. As if someone had just ripped his soul out of his body. His whole body was shaking and his fists were clenched, his knuckles turning white.
The pain of being disconnected from my twin was crushing my very soul into nothingness. I could barely breathe as I cried, letting the tears stream down my face. My body was shaking so violently, on the verge of breaking down from the inside out. My heart was already shattered, the rest of me was brought down with it.
To this day I still haven’t recovered in the slightest. No matter how much I wish she would come back, no matter how much I miss her… I have to live without her for the rest of my life. Our—My father passed away after the tenth anniversary of Lily’s death. What made it harder was the pained expression on his dying form because of how long ago she died and that he was leaving me to fend for myself alone. If Lily hadn’t died, if Lily was still alive with me I might be able to live without struggling every day of my miserable life.
The memories and pain of the absence of my sister torture me throughout the day, the everlasting nightmares torture me at night.