Katta O'Donnel 2013

Take a Deep Breath

I don’t believe that I changed that day. I still feel like the same person, I am still me. It is just the people around me that think of me in a different way, I am almost sad about that, because I like who I am and I want people to see that person. But I suppose people will see what they want to see, if they want to see that I was the saviour to their world or a hope for a new beginning, then there is nothing really that can be done about that. It’s just that sometimes I wish there was someone out there that I could share my story with, without it being an interview, someone that I could tell all my hopes and fears and dreams. The hardest thing is that I know who they were; I know who that person was; someone had been by my side, someone had seen the real me.

*

Sunlight was streaming through my window and there was a generally light and airy feeling in my apartment, I love days like these, it’s just so much easier to feel happy. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and tried to concentrate only on my breathing, Marti told me to do this; he said that it would strengthen my mind and allow me to become more in contact with myself. As I thought of Marti, a warm feeling swept through me, I smiled in spite of myself but also felt the deep ache in my heart increase; closing my eyes I tried to get back on task. 

It is so hard to concentrate on something that isn’t really there, I feel like I am searching in an empty space, a white empty white room that holds nothing of interest at all. And then all of a sudden a thought pops into my mind and I have lost focus, but I don’t mind when this happens, because thoughts bring colour. Marti said that there are monks that can sit and concentrate on only their breathing for months at a time, I don’t believe that that is a very good use of ones time for starters, but I also find it rather sad. How is it good for someone not to have thoughts? Thoughts make you the person that you are and without them who would you be?

Realising that once again I had stopped concentrating I opened my eyes, and got ready to leave. Luella came to help me get ready, she did my hair and makeup, and helped me chose my clothes; it still feels strange when she does this. I like it, as I have always loved people dressing me up, but now that it is not a friend at a sleepover, instead its someone being paid to do so, it doesn’t feel quite the same. We talk and she tells me that I look beautiful and will be the talk of the night. Instead of comforting me, as she intends it to, this just makes me feel worse, for I already know that I will be the talk of the evening… I always am. For once it might be nice to just go somewhere and not have people looking at me and talking about me, but thinking realistically, I knew that that would be asking for too much. Marti had been right about one thing, while I had been focused on my breathing I had stopped worrying about tonight, but now looking in the mirror, at my beautiful sparkling dress; the feelings all came flooding back. It is hard to describe them, for it is not really a feeling of worry, it isn’t fear or dread. I guess you could say it is almost a feeling of acceptance, acceptance that this is the start of a new life, the old me is still here, but everything around me has changed. With this also comes a feeling of loss; for when new things come, sometimes old things have to be put aside. But I was never a person to like cleaning out my wardrobe let alone parts of my life. If it tugged at my heart to get rid of a t-shirt, then you can imagine how it would feel for me to be letting go of my whole world.

*

I stepped out of the car and a bright light made me jump back in fright: I ducked back into the car and quickly closed the door. My heart was pounding and my head spinning, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing but there was nothing I could do about my racing mind. Jules, my driver, turned to me with a look of concern, “is everything ok, miss?” he enquired. I smiled and nodded, but really I had just had a flash back to a time that I never wanted to experience again. It is what led me to being here today, the bright light had brought back the day when this had all begun, to the blinding light that had changed my life, it was the blinding light that had brought me into fame, the blinding light that had given our world new hope and the same blinding light that had taken away my Marti. I gathered myself and prepared for my second exit; this time I was prepared for the flashing of the camera’s, each one was like a stab to my heart, but as least I was ready for it.

*

I heard my name being called and I rose to my feet, I could feel every pair of eyes in the room resting on me, no, not just resting, staring, blatantly staring at me as though they were trying to see into my very being. I tried not to focus on this fact, but instead on smiling and not walking into chairs. At last, but also too quickly, I arrived at the podium. I stood for a few moments, surveying the room in front of me; it had to be the biggest and most beautiful room I had ever seen, and packed inside of it were hundreds of eager, excited faces all turned towards me. I took a deep breath and focused, but this time instead of concentrating on an empty white room, I thought of the most beautiful face in the world.