Genevieve Catherine 2013
A Life in Riddle
Memories and Images
Dark Angel Come For Me
Little Girl worries far too much
Little Girl’s afraid to touch
Little Girl carries all the weight
Little Girl can’t stand up straight
Little Girl is small and tough
Little Girl has had enough
Little Girl feels cruel and mean
Little Girl lost self esteem
Little Girl is wasting away
Little Girl has words to say
Little Girl pushed them all back
All good qualities, she does lack
Little Girl needed someone to explain
That she wouldn’t always feel this pain
She needed more than a bear to hold at night
To save her from the nightly fright
Little Girl is losing friends
Little Girl can’t meet the ends
Little Girl thinks she knows love
Little Girl is a foolish dove
Little Girl watches her heart shatter
Little Girl thinks she doesn’t matter
Little Girl can’t say goodbye
Little Girl just wants to fly
Little Girl doesn’t want it anymore
Little Girl has nothing worth fighting for
Little Girl is going down
Little Girl is fading now
Little Girl can’t take it all
Little Girl’s about to fall
Little Girl doesn’t understand
She just needs someone to hold her hand
Little Girl is fifteen now
Little Girl inside needs to take a bow
Knowledge is Power and You Have None
You’re thinking that you’re hungry
and yet you’re thinking that you’re full
you know not what to do with the feeling inside
because nothing could ever compare
You’re thinking that your heart’s stopped beating
and yet, you think it’s going extra fast
you know not what to do with the ache in your chest
but if you do nothing, your heart will break
You hope it’s getting better
and yet, you know it’s getting worse
you know not what to do with the hurt you hold
so you simply let it consume you
Memories and images torture my mind,
there’s a space here where you should be by my side.
The weight of the world presses down on my chest,
Someone subtracted away all the rest.
Emotions and laughter are now all but gone,
My heart, now, is broken; to pieces, it’s torn.
My sanity and will to live is in shreds,
there’s no way my soul, ever will mend.
Think back to the days when you made me smile,
I just should have known it’d only take you a while.
You came so fast and you loved far too slow,
You’re sorry, you love me, both these I know
How many tears have I cried just for you?
I don’t want to ever get through.
After this there will be nothing at all,
Without you, I know that I truly will fall.
The hurt’s in the heart, the body and brain,
All I have left of you is this pain.
I won’t give it up or let anyone steal,
Without it, I can’t be sure you were real.
And now I’ve suffered this fatal blow,
I’m feeling a pain that nobody knows.
I don’t believe in a power above,
But I believe in you, and I believe in our love.
Dark Angel, come for me,
Snatch me away from this life
Take me to a better place
Where do you have in mind?
Dark Angel, save me,
Take away all this pain
Let me not love him
Even now in the dark
Dark Angel, blind me
Block my eyes from the world
Wash away all the colours
Leave nought but the black
Dark Angel, feed me
For I’m starving at now
Fill the space in my body
His love used to fill
Dark Angel, take me
Far away from this horror
One slash of the knife
Yes, I’ll see you tonight
Dear Facebook Suicides
The Arms of Depression
Dear Facebook suicides,
Do you really want to die
it’s not like me to pry
but have you ever held the knife
and tried to take your life?
Have you ever found you failed?
That you lived to tell the tale?
have you woken up from death
and found that your lungs still have breathe?
Well, I’ll tell you all I know
for I was there only weeks ago
in a space of pure black
your old life gone, it won’t come back
So you decide to end it all
you don’t think you have further left to fall
you want to swallow all the pills
hope it takes away the pain and kills
But, instead, you’re on the net
looking for somebody to get
how you’re feeling, and to say
that they’d cry if you passed away
So you put it on your wall
from the deed, you try to stall
because you don’t really wish for death
you just want to know there’s something left
Because if you were to act so rash
the blur of a knife, the sudden flash
regret and panic as you slipped away
so you’re posting for a reason to stay
So you can post and make us scared
just to make sure we still care
but life’s not Facebook, have no doubt
from this you can’t simply just log out
When the arms of depression are the only ones left to embrace you,
For all the others have fallen away
You try to empty yourself for you would not wish to feel
But the cold creeps in and settles over like winter fog
The battle rages inside your head
you’re tied to a post and the world sends you lashes
it rewards your patience with more to wait through
and your dark angels tempt you with the cowardly escape
The decomposion of your purity seeps through your body
like a toxin that riddles its way and steals away your planned defences
until you have lost all your haven hide-aways
all but the whispering agony that weighs upon your broken heart
And your pain holds you tightly and strokes the hair from your face
and whispers that you’re safe with it
the torture is the last emotion you have left
so you guiltily whisper “please don’t leave me here alone”
It’s like screaming under water
it rushed to your lungs
every breathe you try to take
pulls it tighter round your chest
It’s like you’re locked up in a cage
and you’re reaching through the bars
but every time you try to flee
the lock tightens that bit more
It’s like you’re suspended in mid-air
held up by invisible force
and every time you try to move
the force just holds you back
It’s nothing like it used to be
you’re imprisoned by your love
the love that binds you still to him
even though he’s sold his share
The machine had worked. The old man walked along the station platform, leaning on his cane. He had one shot at this; righting the biggest wrong he’d ever let happen. He saw her at the other end of the platform and willed his frail, aged muscles to move faster. He could not watch this again.
He reached her side and she looked around at him. She stood with her toes aligned perfectly with the edge of the yellow line. He smiled at her and, after a pause, she smiled a small smile back. Just as polite as he remembered, but more beautiful. Time had faded her light auburn hair in his memory, and stolen the shine from her eyes. He looked at his watch and saw he only had five minutes until the train arrived.
“How are you?” He asked her. She looked back at him.
“Good,” She replied automatically.
“Are you?” He said pleasantly. “You appear to be…down.”
She blinked those pretty eyes at him. “I’m sorry, do I know you from somewhere?” She asked, confused.
“No, not me,” Another minute was lost and no progress had been made. “But you seem sad. Why?”
She looked forward, out across the tracks. “I’ve lost someone,” She told him.
“Lost, or misplaced?” He asked, echoing one of her personal mottos.
“Lost,” She insisted, missing his reference.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” He said quietly. “What happened?”
She took a deep breathe, which shook on her lips, and he saw she was crying. He wondered if she’d been crying last time he’d seen this. He wondered if she’d said anything as she jumped. He wondered if she’d heard him calling for her.
“I had the most perfect person, and I love him,” She said, still looking out at the tracks. “I was happy, but I ruined it, and now he’s gone.”
“Ah, a boy,” He confirmed. So it had been his fault. All those years not knowing, and now the proof was there.
“A very important boy,” She said. “The most important boy in the world.”
“Maybe you should talk to him?” He suggested. It was what he wanted more than anything.
Go and talk to him, he silently urged. She just shook her head.
“He doesn’t want to see me,” Was her excuse. There were only two minutes left.
“Listen,” He gently but abruptly took her hand and she whipped around and instinctively pulled away. “He’d rather talk to you when angry then have you do this. If you do, he’ll carry it forever. He’ll live his life bound by his promise to you not to end it all, so he’ll turn to different substances to numb the pain you inflicted and fill the hole in his heart shaped like your silhouette. The years will become a blur of hospitals and relapses, disappointments and depression, and he’ll never know exactly why.” She stared at him, right in the eyes. He saw the glimpse of recognition. After all, a life time of drug abuse and pain may have changed his face, but his eyes stayed the same blue she’d loved getting lost in all those years ago. She couldn’t comprehend, or believe it, but she saw the truth in his eyes and in his words, and silent tears ran down her cheeks.
“Everything hurts,” She whispered.
He nodded. “I know it does,” He agreed. “But you don’t have to punish him this way, you don’t have to hurt him. Please, please don’t do this.”
They heard the whistle of an approaching train, and the sound of someone running. They both turned and saw the young man running onto the platform. The train was nearing. The old man turned to the young lady, beautiful with only sixteen years and the only one he ever loved.
“Go to him,” He told her, and she did. She ran to meet the man she loved instead of the trains crushing wheels. The young man held her tightly and the old man knew the boy would never again let go. He old man smiled and boarded.
She looked over her should, but the elderly gentleman was gone, and so was the train she’d chosen to take her life. She looked back at her love, in the eyes, then kissed him, reminding herself to thank him in eighty years’ time.
To the one
The Last One
In The Dark
To the one who can never read this,
I don’t know how to say this
without sounding quite insane
people say I should give up
as if it were all a game
I told you I do not get sad
every time you walk away
baby, I’ve been lying to ya
because I know you don’t want to stay
You used to say you loved me to
when I’d tell you how I feel
now you talk of other girls
does that mean none of it was real?
And I’ve waited for you to come to me
waited for you to take me home
but when you came, you left again
I suppose I really should have known
The things you feel and things you say
are not always the same
but when we got mad and had a fight
I always took all the blame
And it’s not fair, the things you say
and the way you’ve treated me
but I forget them every time
because your goodness I can see
And behind the eyes of pale blue
I see all we have lost
but I don’t care that I’m hurting now
for I know that love comes at a cost
The label stated ‘drink me’
I took a breathe and gulped it down
gasped as the poison hit my throat
and riddled its way through my mind
The cats don’t smile anymore
the hatters party’s a dull affair
you can only be feared, not loved
because love is a figurement of the past
The garden’s dead beyond repair
there are no roses left to paint
so don’t bother to follow a rabbit
there’s no Wonderland beneath your feet
This is it
the last one
I’ll write for you
This is the end
it has to die
let’s let it die
It was wrong
I see that now
we were wrong
you saw it then
You let me go
you then came back
I said to stay
you went again
I cried a lot
I died a little
you smoked too much
you let me fall
I took the blame
so you would know
I loved you
you didn’t hear
Now I’m mad
and you are lost
in your own mind
so I give up
And I met someone
who smiles at me
it might not be love
it’s better than this
So I smile at you
and walk away
and I know
now I am free
The world is a coliseum
Its entire land
Built with closed in walls to watch men fall
So tigers and lions
In shape of words and guns
Can tear them apart
While we stand as a crowd
In our love of spilt blood
In the dark
there’s a girl
mud stained heels
black dress short
In the dark
there is anger
through flame red hair
In the dark
there is hate
bones stick out
under pale skin
In the dark
there’s a monster
as innocent me
I Could Be Your Rose
Roses are red, and they’re covered in thorns
prick your finger and it will bleed
we cut those away
leave only the petals
is this supposed to make it safe?
My hair is red, and I’m covered in thorns
come too close and you will bleed
just sweep me away
when I begin to wilt
is this supposed to stop the pain?
My lipstick is red, it’s all over your neck
you invited me to make you bleed
dodge all my thorns
accept all my flaws
the roses scent is thick in the air
She Fell from Heaven
Her wings scraped along the floor, leaving a trail of grey feathers in her wake. She crossed the room and sat on the hard, wooden chair. The woollen shawl she clutched around her shoulders was no help against the cold winter night and she pulled it tighter around herself.
Soon he would be home and she would know that all was well, that she had made the right choice. But she hadn’t. She glanced across the room and caught sight of herself in the mirror. What she saw made her want to cry. Her skin was pale and had lost its flawlessness. It no longer glowed and her white dress made her look washed out and ill. Her hair hung, flat and knotted, the once shiny sleek red turning brown. Her wings, once the purest white, were slowly changing to grey. Eventually, they would the darkest shade of black possible and she would be outcast and shamed forever.
She blinked as the tears welled up and the door opened.
“Hey,” He said from the doorway. She just looked at him, blinking back the tears. “How are you doing?” He asked.
“I miss home,” She told him. “Take me home.”
“I can’t,” He crossed the room and knelt in front of her, taking both her hands in his.
“I want to go back to heaven,” She said.
“You can’t,” He pleaded. “You can’t leave me.”
“We can be together,” She said. “In heaven.”
He shook his head, looking down. “I can’t do that. I can’t leave Emily.”
“Then you don’t love me,” She said in a small, sad voice.
“Don’t say that,” He said, holding her hands tighter.
“If you truly loved me, you’d come with me to heaven,” She said simply. “You wouldn’t care about Emily anymore.”
“How can you say that?” He demanded. “How can you think that way?”
“I can’t stay here!” She shrieked, pulling her hands back and throwing them up. “Look at me! I’m turning into a filthy mortal!”
“I still think you’re beautiful,” He said quietly.
“Daddy?” A little girl in a night dress was standing in the door way.
“Emily,” He stood up. “I’m sorry if we woke you up, go back to bed.”
Emily stared at the lady sitting behind her father. “Why is there and angel in our house?” She asked.
“Let’s tuck you in,” He took his daughters hand and started to lead her out of the room.
“Daddy!” Emily yanked her hand away. “Who is she?”
“She’s no one, darling,” He said hurriedly. The angels eyes flashed angrily.
“Is she mummy?” Emily asked. “You said Mummy was an angel now, did she come to visit us?”
“I am not your mother,” The angel said in a deadly voice. She stood up. “I am leaving.”
“No!” He said in a panicked tone. “Hold on, please.”
“I hope someday I shall see you again,” She blinked back more tears.
“No,” He grabbed her hands and held them to his chest.
“I will miss you,” She said, the tears now gliding down her delicate cheeks. “But I don’t belong here-don’t you understand?”
“You fell from heaven,” He told her. “You fell when I thought I could never love again, and when I saw you, I knew you belonged, here, with me.”
She shut her eyes tight and shook her head, pulling her hands away. She turned and smashed the window with her fist and dived through.
“No!” She heard him cry, along with the confused crying of the daughter he shared with his dead wife. She soared into the sky, stretching her wings to their full extent. She flew through the snow, her tears freezing on her face, back towards the clouds. As she got closer, her wings turned back to the purest white and her halo reappeared. She landed lightly at the golden gates of heaven.
Do and Don't
You don’t have to go tomorrow
you don’t have to stay
you don’t have to wake me up
you don’t have to let me sleep
You don’t have to know I’m hurting
none of that should cross your mind
I know I’m infected with deadly poison
you hold my antidote inside your heart
You don’t have to feel worthless
you have light inside that takes my shadows
but I will only make you worse
in ways you’ll never know
You don’t have to care for me
only love me if you want
you don’t have to do a thing
except, right now, would you please kiss me?
I hate you
You’ll never know how much I hate you
I love you
You’ll never know how much I love you
You’ll never understand these feelings
I love you
But I hate you
Only because you’ve made me love you
I hate you
Though I love you
And that’s the thing that stops me leaving
His kisses are at my mouth
his fingers twine with mine
our eyes closed for the moment
but there’s nothing in the heart
We both know there’ll be bruises
on our necks and on our hearts
let’s not let it turn to a scar
because at least a bruise can heal
And now we’re moving faster
so many feelings in one day
what I’d give to hear him whisper
“you should know I love you”
And now everything is over
I don’t think I want this anymore
upon this bed that has no pillow
no love binds us both together
His kisses are at my mouth
his strong hands hold my neck
his movements are reluctant
because there’s nothing in the heart
And we both know we’ve been scarred
from this toxic, messed up love
we should have stopped it long ago
when it was only but a bruise
But things were moving quickly
so I let you take it all
and I thought what we had was right
because you whispered that you loved me
And now it’s truly over
I know I don’t want this anymore
I climb off the bed that has no pillow
because no love binds us both together.
Under It All
Yeah, he was a good guy, under it all
and he promised his girl he wouldn't let her fall
So she gave him her trust and also her heart
Now she knows that that wasn't smart
He ended up leaving and she broke in two
Even though she thought that their love was true
So now she is cutting herself into chunks
While he's out there fucking with other young cunts
And she prays he'll come back and puts on a smile
But happy is what she won't be for a while
And she knows he's a great guy under it all
but that doesn't change the fact that he let her fall