ELTHAM HIGH SCHOOL ANTHOLOGY   

It’s all too much. I’m bottling everything up and my already severe anxiety has gotten worse. Damn you mum. I don’t want to go to another Counselor. I don’t need to go to another Counselor.

“Hi Iris, I’m your new Counselor. My name is Freda. Nice to meet you.” The woman - Freda grins widely at me.

It’s all too much. The woollen green jumper she’s wearing, the hospitable-white walls and the strong smell of washing detergent.

It makes me sick.

“Hey…..” I mutter. I just want to get this over and done with.

“Let’s have a seat. Tell me, what’s the main problem you’re dealing with?” Freda gestures to two cushioned seats.

I sit down.

“Boys - mostly.” I sigh. Boys boys boys.

It’s always boys.

“In what way?” She asked.

Oh no.

“Some are extremely attractive - but the problem is they’re ‘popular’ and ‘cool’ so they hate me and so it means I’ll never be able to date any of them, ever. Because I’m ugly and basically all of them hate me and my personality is so shit. And sometimes I really try to be nice to them, and sometimes I just can’t help it and I’ll say something stupid or mutter something under my breath or call out something rude to them. And I hate doing that. I really just want to befriend them but…” I burry my face in my hands

“It’s just boys? Boys aren’t that bad…” Freda says

I hear a pen against paper, a sign she’s writing down notes. Damn it. If any of the boys in my class - or anyone I know in general - gets ahold of these, I’m dead.

“It’s not just them. It’s my schoolwork and future and the inevitability of death and all my friends with illnesses - mostly mental, and my fears and my self consciousness and my low self esteem And this fight-like thing I’m having with my friend Tanis.” I feel my nose starting to heat up.

Shit.

I don’t want to cry.

“Friends with illnesses?” Freda asks

Here we go. “My two best friends, - one has anxiety and the other has cut and has depression. The one with depression - his crush - one of my friends -  was anorexic, has cut and has depression. Another friend has -  or has had - panic attacks… And the worse one, one of my good friends Joy has Leukemia. And it’s tough as a friend to support her because sometimes I just break down and cry.”

Nononononononono.

Tears are dripping rapidly, I have to keep sniffling and I bet my eyes are close to being bloodshot red.

“I’m so sorry.” Freda apologies. No you’re not. “What about your fears - you said that helps cause your anxiety and it’d be helpful to know what they are.” she suggests.

Like that’s going to help.

“Mostly rejection. Whether it’s friends or boys it doesn’t matter. Also mostly judgement. And being in an inclosed space with birds, and looking in the mirror at night.” I tell Freda. I’m not really interested in talking about my fears.

“The fight?” She asks. God. Too many questions.

“I’d rather not. But it involves attractive males. I just wish Tanis would know my taste in guys is different from hers.”

“Speaking of boys, do you like anyone right now? What’s he like?”

“His name is Cayden. He has short brown hair, thin eyebrows, almond shaped blue eyes, freckles, a ski-sloped nose, is really tall, really thin. He’s a bit irritating, and in some subjects, quite dumb, but others, he’s really smart. I still have strong - like really strong feelings for him anyway. I just wish he felt the same.” I can’t stop. “Boys are one of the reasons why I listen to so much music and why I love listening to Taylor Swift so much. I guess a song to describe him is This Love by Taylor Swift or Colours by Halsey. But I really miss someone I used to like, his name was Theo. He had sandy blond hair and wild variety of freckles. He was really funny and actually listened to me. I know without hesitation Red is the song I associate with us. Especially the lines ‘Missing him was dark grey all alone / Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met / Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes / Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go / But moving on from him is impossible / When I still see it all in my head.” I grabbed a tissue. Wiping my nose.

“And if you could say anything to Cayden, what would you?” Freda questions.

“Kimi to futari sugoshita jikan wo, suki kirai mo, amai mo nigai mo, Zenbu matomete taisetsu ni suru yo. That’s what I’d say.”

Freda looked at me, confused.

“What does that mean?”

I smirked

“It’s Japanese for ‘All the time we spend together, the good and the bad, a bitter-sweet mix. I'm gonna treasure every second of it.’ because the memories of the last boy I liked are fond to me so I’d like Cayden to know I already treasure the memories of him and I will continue to do so and I hope - one day there’ll be memories that are more meaningful.” I rubbed my eyes.

“Well. I hope one day you get to. Anyway. Our time’s up. See you next week, Iris. And try listening to more music if it calms you.” Freda beams at me.

I shrug, getting up and leaving the room.

I guess letting it out was better than bottling it in.