Casey Todd 2014 - '17
He was so amazing to me, but we were just friends. I loved him more then I loved anyone else, but we were just friends. He’d hug me so tight until I fell asleep. He had the cutest smile, and the most adorable laugh. He just didn’t realise how much he meant to me. We did so much together. He was mine and I was his. He told me all these things that he’d never told anyone else before. We had our inside jokes, he had our awkward moments. He was never mean to me, he always made me feel better. He’d just have to glance at me, and I would be so happy for the rest of the day. He was tall and beautiful. He was brave and caring. He was a boy obviously, but we could connect like he was a girl. He was like a brother to me. He was all this and so much more. Then one day, I was walking a couple of metres in front of him, as he crossed the road. I turned around to wait for him. I starting running towards him yelling, “STOP!” But he kept walking and a car came out of nowhere. I remember him saying, “The letter…” as he slowly closed his eyes. Right there in the middle of the road, I leant down and touched his face. He was slowly fading away. I slowly kissed his lips as I cried. He tasted like strawberries, he always did. The lady in the car got out and said “Are you his girlfriend?” and I said ‘No, I was his one and only.” She looked at me and started crying slowly. The ambulance turned up and told me that I could say my last goodbye. I cried and cried as I watched his face turn pale. It was going whiter every second. I kissed him again and it almost felt like he kissed me back. I whispered into his ear, “I’ll miss you.” He was gone though, he couldn’t hear me. I went home and cried. I cried and cried for 2 days straight. Then I got I call from his mum 3 days after the accident. This is what she said to me, “You know, he tried to tell me something that day. He told me that there was something he had to talk to you about, but he didn’t know how to tell you. I asked him if everything was okay and he told me he was fine. He walked out of the house and I didn’t see him again. I just wanted you to know.” I said thank you and hung up. It mustn’t have been that important, otherwise he would have told me right? I went over to his house a few days after, and I found a recording. It was recorded the day he died. It was him, playing his guitar. He sung about his problems. He started to sing about a girl, and a secret. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but I listened to the song so many times. I slowly hummed to the music and fell asleep on his bed. I woke up to my family and his sitting on the floor together talking. I looked at his wall. Medals hung from nails that really needed replacing. I imagined us sitting here together laughing. But that would never happen now. I looked around for a while and then walked over to his desk, there was a letter tucked under some of his books. I opened it slowly, it read:
I thought you were the one, I thought I would never stop loving you… but there’s someone else. I don’t know how to explain this to you, but we can’t see each other anymore. We can’t be friends. We can’t talk. Her name… well that doesn’t really matter, I met her on the weekend. We started talking. We just clicked. My feelings for you just seemed to go away. I don’t know how it happened. But people change sometimes right? I didn’t know how to tell you, so I wrote it in a letter. I understand if you hate me and never want to see me. Or talk to me for that matter. I’m sorry this had to happen. I can’t go on without telling you. I know you’re hurting now, but you have to move on, for me.”
I put the letter on the desk, took a breath and then walked out of his room. He was gone and I couldn’t stop thinking about the ‘other one.’ Who was she? Maybe something’s are just better unsaid. But why didn’t he just tell me?
I guess sometimes, you just have to find your strengths and move on. Even if the one you loved, turned on you.
Things you don't realise
You probably don’t realise this but…
When you call her fat, she goes home and starves herself.
When you laugh at her clothes, she cries herself to sleep.
When you call her names, she loses yet another piece of her heart.
When you give her mean looks, she can’t help but burst into tears when you look away.
When you remind her about her bad grades, she gets into trouble at home.
When you tease her, she cuts her wrist.
When you tell her everyone hates her, she’s one step closer to tying the rope.
When you push her around, she ties the rope.
When you whisper and say mean things about her behind her back, that’s when you know you’ll never see her again.
Stop and think before you speak.
Before someone throws away their life.
Everybody deserves the chance to life their life,
But live it happy.
We Should do this More Often
“We should do this more often.” I say suddenly.
He shifts his weight, moving closer to me. We sit silently on the cold, paved pathway that we manage to find in the darkness of the night. His back slowly gives in as he lays down and rests his head on his arms. I follow his movement, curling up next to his body. He wraps one arm around me, hugging me into him. We look up to see dark grey clouds moving in the gloomy sky. There are no stars, no light, just darkness and us.
As we lay intertwined, I match my breathing to his.
“What are we doing? We are here, lying flat on a pathway, in the middle of the night, watching the clouds move. This is just like something that happens in the movies.” I say, still looking at the sky.
“I don’t know, but I like it.” He whispers.
“You like it? You like what though? What is this? A moment? A feeling? A memory?” I question.
“I don’t know.” He says.
“You never do, do you?” I giggle.
“It is nice thought, isn’t it?” I say slowly, turning and sitting up to find him looking at me.
“What? What is it?” I laugh.
He starts to sit up slowly and studies me carefully, reaching for my waist. I watch him start at the top of my forehead, his eyes trace my freckles and stop at my lips.
“Nothing.” He smiles and tucks my hair behind my ears.
Oblivious that we are in the middle of nowhere, ignoring the fact we shouldn’t be out here, we are. And in that moment, I swear we were everlasting.
“We should do this more often.” I say, closing my eyes and letting my weight fall into his arms.
What am I meant to do, when the best part of me was always you? What am I expected to say when I’m sitting over here dying, and your okay? You name haunts my head and I see you when I lay down to go to bed. You are everywhere I go, the only thing I see. While you’re smiling, I’m crying. Crying in pain, in agony, in need of help. I’m not meant to miss you, not meant to feel all the pain. It’s not as easy as they say, it’s so hard to just ‘move on.’ I would do anything to remember the taste of your lips, the softness of your fingertips. I need to hold you; I was made to keep you warm. Because when a heart breaks, it never breaks even.
She sits alone, away from all the other kids. She doesn’t get along with anyone very well, doesn’t have many friends in this place. She draws; draws beautiful pictures of a family. When the kids go outside to play, she sits inside and reads. Reads books about brothers and sisters, she reads about what it feels like to sit down at the dinner table with your family. The warm fuzzy feeling you get when you’re cuddled around the fire place. She reads about holidays; traveling. She dreams. Every night, she dreams of the same thing. Having a real family, someone that accepts her for who she is. A mother and a father that will pick her up when she’s sad, shelter her and give her unconditional love. She sits waiting, ever so patiently. Just waiting for someone who will actually want her. ‘One day’ she whispers to herself. One day they will walk through those doors…
The Girl in the Pink Costume
She slowly walks on stage. Her costume is perfect, just what she wanted. It was pink and had purple sequins lining the waist. Her smile melts the audience’s hearts already. The music starts and she moves slowly to the rhythm, telling a story with the twists and swirls. Her moves are agile but sharp. Everyone watching this is feeling the same, stuck in a trance. How could this tiny girl, make such an impact on such a large amount of people? When the little girl was finished, she ended in a bow and a beautiful smile. When the groups of people stumbled out of the small studio, everyone was talking about ‘The Girl In The Pink Costume.’ I couldn’t help but think that maybe one day, The Girl In the Pink Costume could change the world using movement and rhythm. Because sometimes, we find ourselves following the beat of one drum, and it could just as well be hers.
I’m cuddled up at my desk in my room. Yes, I have a room. It’s warm and whenever it rains its always dry. I sleep in a comfortable bed. I have food filling the fridge and don’t forget about the cupboard. I have clothes in my wardrobe. Clothes that someone out there really needs, but we feel the need to change outfits every single day. While you’re sitting there eating a freshly cooked meal at a table, there are kids out there that have a grain of rice to eat. No table and no chair. I have fresh water whenever I please and a working shower to bath my skin after what I thought was a long day. My house is filled with things that someone out there needs right now, but we use once or twice. I go to school every day and I’m always being taught new things. I know what 2 plus 2 equals and how to spell the word telephone. Maybe next time you will actually think about their life, before you go complaining about yours.
The Other Kids
What was it Like
“What was it like?” She whispered, being careful not to unfold information to the others around her. “What was what like?” I replied, confused.
“You know… losing him?” She said, hesitant and unsure if her helpless friend would get angry or stay calm.
One million thoughts ran through her head. What was it really like? How would she describe it? How would she find the words to describe the moments where she thought her life was actually slipping through her fingers? How would she be able to tell of the way she picked herself up and realised it was she going to be okay? Was she upset? Was she okay? Is she meant to lie, or tell the honest truth? Finally an answer slipped out of her lips:
“It felt confusing. I’m holding it together though. I’m okay.” She smiled through her tears.
“You don’t seem okay anymore…” Said the only person who could actually read her.
“It’s just hard. Just to see them together, because even though he might only be holding her for a second, I know she’s still holding my entire world.”
When Dreams become Reality
Sometimes it’s hard to put emotions into words. Sometimes you just can’t find the right words to tell someone how you’re feeling. But all I know, is that I want to be with you. In rain, in snow or in heat. You make me feel wanted and you make me feel safe. It doesn’t matter where we are or who we are with. I smile more. I laugh more. There’s just something about you, just something that makes me want to stay tucked into your arms forever. Maybe one day, my dreams will turn into reality.
Where is She Now
Where is she now?
The one you wrapped in your arms,
And said you’d never let go.
The girl who told you all her secrets,
And made you promise to keep them.
Where is the girl that you said you loved?
It was all just a lie.
The girl that you were too embarrassed to tell your friends about,
The one that thought she actually meant something to you.
Once again, you’ve played her like a drum and she danced to your beat,
Until she fell down.
And this time she’s fallen hard.
So hard she hit her head and wants someone to come and pick her up again.
But this time, she will choose carefully.
And she’s not choosing you.
Maybe you’ll turn out to be the best thing she never had.
Goodnight beautiful, he
Whispered, although her rich
Heart still whispered, he’s free.
As she rested her pitch
Head on his chest, her eyes
Pained with such tenderness.
His lips touch her soft skin,
she just hopes for the best.
He gives her a wide grin,
but oh, it’s how he dressed.
His heart does not call her
name, it’s all just a blur.
The words slip out of his
ugly, but oh so sweet
mouth. He doesn’t need to quiz
the love he will delete.
The scene of a perfect
movie, wrecked with conflict.
She doesn’t cry, nor does she
plead. She is just so sad,
but stays just as peachy.
Making sure no forbade
love action is expressed;
she is giving her best.
As she watches him walk,
and leave her fragile
soul to electroshock,
everything goes so dull.
She knows deep down, he was
the best thing she never had