ELTHAM HIGH SCHOOL ANTHOLOGY   

I, Miss Higgins, love little children. I love them so much that for the little tykes’ sake, I created a community garden entirely made out of candy. Only for one day, a felony of dream shattering proportions to rain upon it. Some cruel fool had stolen all the candy from the candy garden. But they mustn’t have known that this old hag has attitude. Nothing comes between the children and what makes them happy. And if they do, I’ll be there to restore order.

***

I began an investigation with my great grandson Bernard and the detectives kit he gave me for my 112th birthday. I found fingerprints on the remains of the “Candy-Cane Rain” section of the garden and the results were conclusive.
 “As I presumed…” snarled my adorable great grandson. He’s just so cute the way he scrunched up his little soft nose, aw, the little munchkin. Sometimes I just pinch his little cheeks and… oh sorry. I often put on my baby voice when I think about the mischievous things kids do in their youth. But there is one kind of child I am not fond of. A Sugartooth child. The wildest, disrespectful, leather jacket, deal-with-it shades wearing, spikey haired punks you will ever see. Hans and Gretchen are the two brattiest toddlers on the block! It pains me to say it, but I shaped them into what they are today. I started a chain effect.

***

 Once upon a time, there was an out-of-town couple with the mother expectant in two weeks arrived at the hospital, a premature little boy on his way the following day. On their way out of town, tragedy struck. James July sped through another red light in his vintage Porsche 991 Carrera 4S Cabriolet. This new family, the Ramunette’s, had a cracked window on the front left of their new [at the time] Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution with was purchased because they couldn’t afford much else. Therefore, they couldn’t see much. Even if the car was fit to drive, it would be hard with the steep turn on to Ambourgurly Drive. The child was the only survivor other than Mr July, who served a twenty-year sentence before returning to live with his mother for the rest of his days. My adoration for children got the better of me. I took in the infant and treated him as I had treated my son, Simon.

***

He grew up always watching the scary movies at the time. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Horror of Dracula, Godzilla, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Fly and The Blob.  He was too young to understand what they were or how to understand them, of course, but he grew up with an irrational sensation to stick sticks in his mouth where his missing teeth were. He was always after peppermint candy because he thought it was dried, frozen blood, making his teeth fall out. It was cute, until he got to an age where the thirst for blood went and it was all for candy. The cuteness factor was completely and utterly gone. He was easily influenced by stereotypes he saw on television. Then came the day I released him and his punk girlfriend into the world. I saw him down the street that following week. Sunglasses, leather jacket, pierced nose, I could barely recognise him!

***

His children followed suit. Hans and Gretchen were greedy, ruthless and would do anything to get their greasy little chubby fingers on a sweet. That’s why everybody calls them the sweet-tooth kids. I decided to sleep on it and go to sugar centre to get some more candy canes tomorrow. The following day, the toffee terrain is gone! As soon as I saw the vicious site of children’s hearts obliterated. But I would weld them back together again with the power of candy!

***

   I had come up with the ultimate plan that included the so-called concocted jelly sour mega sugar sweet caramel chocolate strawberry peppermint lolly gummy snake from the party mix of doom!!! It was genius, those sweet-tooth kids, once their pesky little festering flabagastering fart faces laid their eyes on it, they would be unable to resist. And, my, what a plan it was. It took place Sunday night. I put Herbert to bed I watched from the roof, awaiting the return of the sweet-tooth kids.

***

 Sure enough, after about twenty-five minutes they rocked up with a necklace around Gretchen’s neck made of her own rotten teeth. Her grotty older brother, Hans, was involved in a freak accident when he was younger involving a gummy bear and some acidic out of date chocolate ice-cream topping. He lost his eye and replaced it with a peppermint candy. Then it clicked with them. They looked at each other and realised they’d hit the jackpot. At least that’s what they wanted me to think…

***

As the moon rose over the house, the rod I would have used to trap their grubby mittens in glinted in the moonlight. They saw through the scandal and retaliated with a quite impressive show. Hans took the peppermint candy out of his eye and threw it like a Frisbee directly into the hole where their hands would have slotted into. That triggered the trap and I thought they had fell for it, so I hauled up the rod. I looked up at the singular peppermint candy in what I thought was a flawless trap. Distraught, I realised what had happened, and I turned around only to be snubbed, looked upon pitifully before Gretchen delivered a walloping final blow.

***

I don’t remember anything else from then on. I was in a coma for almost a week and nobody thought I would get out of it. I returned home one day several weeks later to come home to a news report saying that Hans and Gretchen Ramunette had been arrested after a five week manhunt. As for the jelly sour mega sugar sweet caramel chocolate strawberry peppermint lolly gummy snake, well, it had a good burial.

***

It was only then that I got the chance to say thank you to my grandson, Herbert, for chasing the twins away and ultimately saving my life. That night, he went to bed in a candy monster onesie that was slightly too big for him, so it covered most of his face. When he heard the rustling outside, he sprang into action. Unfortunately, he wasn’t quick enough to save me from being hospitalised as he saw me fall into the garden. His high pitched scream indicated that he was traumatised as it turned the twin’s attention to what they must have thought was the candy creature from the monster from the horror flick Trick r’ Treat. His scream – combined with the suit – sent those two out of town and they have never returned. That is until now, when they come back tomorrow to start serving their twenty-year sentence. And we all lived happily ever after.